very merry: for no sooner did we hit the road (so adorned with our donated dashboard Yule tree as we were), our little family found some real direction. Sometimes it takes movement to gain movement; and certainly 'tis better to live your life, than wait for it to happen. And then? We woke up after our first day's travel in Knoxville, TN the city where I was born and had never really thought I'd have an opportunity to visit again. And wouldn't you know, just as my husband was checking out of our hotel, the call came that he'd gotten The Job...in Boston?!
A quick u-turn with our U-Haul was in order, so heading us North to a new phase (rather than West, to old friends).
And now that we're settling in to so much newness? There's been a lot of thought on my part about just how "thought" plays its part in life... How raw and hopeless life seemed only not-so-long ago, and how invigorated and hopeful it is now, and how much time and perspective have played their part in the experience of each.
There's been a lot on my mind about my relationship to thought and experience, especially as influenced as I am by the Buddhist view--though oft times it is difficult to reconcile what is perceived to be the "correct" way to approach things and the "actual" way I find myself doing the approaching! But for now, with a tentative, limited purview, I recognize a need for a gentle hand: for if anything, this whole experience has taught me most of all that what we have in this life has nothing to do with what we decide. Once upon a time I decided that I understood things very well; now I know that I don't know a damn thing. And once I decided that I didn't know a damn thing? I found something I knew...
What my experience taught me is that mind is not something to bypass in order to achieve some higher state or purpose. Rather that mind is a symptom, a red flag to notice or a signpost to read and know one's direction by, when relating to this state now, or to one's current purpose.
After all, it's all about relationship, isn't it?
The last few months I've spent not being a "very good Buddhist". And I wanted so desperately to be so-- so that something could be good, methinks. Now I'm settling back in to the idea that I'm not Buddhist at all. And the newness within those moments are very very good, indeed.
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