Saturday, April 23, 2011


How does one write about waiting for news of the death of one's father?

Waiting on the couch for that phone call, knitting all the while waiting for my own new medications to make their mark on this strange new body-predicament... It strikes me that this is a season of waiting in the Christian world, too, as the faithful explore the darkness of a world devoid of their divine Light; and as the Christians, so too the more Earth-worshipping wait for the light and warmth of the Sun and the promise of full-on Springtime Sowing Season. Jews wait out the Pass-Over; Muslims celebrate Al-Hijra, their New Year, awaiting the seasonal arrival of Mohammed home from Mecca to begin the community of Islam.

All the earth is a waiting room these days, it seems...

This glorious wind of balled mossy-green yarn accompanied me on my wait to board the plane, and subsequent longer wait to de-board the plane once in Utah, and the long wait afterward to help my father home from the hospital to hospice. The mountains gave good steady company too, reminding me of first hiking treks (and my first attempt at skiing) with my dear old dad all those years ago. The mountains were their typical staid selves in wearing the a-typical weather of Rocky Mountain April, changing cloud-skirts from gray to snow to warming sun in a matter of hours without complaint. I knitted and admired the mountains and did my best to weather the changing conditions in my dad's body, in my own body, in my family's collective body.

Today I am home again and still waiting, haunted by every ring of the phone, buoyed by the support of dear friends, and my tireless husband. Today a chilly rain falls on the other side of the continent while I can only guess at the weather of the bedroom, body and family lodged by the mountains west. Today I feel echoes of a warm cheek against my lips, the struggle for breath in and out of an ever-open mouth, the string of emotions that inevitably accompany these things on all sides. The quiet drill of rainfall feeds this silent, internal thunder. And I wait.


Clea said...

Beautiful and insightful. As in looking in fully. Love you.

MDeB said...

Thinking of you